Narcissism Unmasked
Narcissism is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but few people truly understand its depth, variety, and impact on relationships. It’s easy to imagine a narcissist as the loud, arrogant, self-promoting type — but that’s only one face of narcissism. There’s also a quieter, more insidious version: the narcissist who plays the victim, weaving sympathy into a tool for control.
As a counselor, I’ve seen both forms leave people confused, drained, and questioning their own reality. In this article, we’ll explore:
- What narcissism actually is — and what it isn’t
- The difference between healthy self-confidence and harmful narcissism
- The two major forms: Overt and Covert (Vulnerable) narcissism
- The relationship cycle that keeps people hooked
- The brain chemistry that fuels trauma bonds
- How to break free — and why structured journaling is a powerful tool for recovery
What is Narcissism?
At its core, narcissism involves:
- An inflated or fragile self-image
- A strong need for admiration or validation
- Difficulty experiencing genuine empathy
- A tendency to prioritize self-interest over others’ needs
In everyday language, we might use “narcissist” to describe anyone self-centered or egotistical. But in clinical psychology, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable condition — not just a personality quirk. NPD traits must be consistent over time, rigid, and cause significant dysfunction in relationships and life.
Healthy Confidence vs. Harmful Narcissism
Not everyone with high self-esteem is narcissistic. The difference lies in empathy, boundaries, and respect.
Narcissism exists over a multitude of spectrum and the label of "a narcissist" should be used with caution as it affects one's self image. Further, narcissistic traits may find expression in certain areas of one's life while being absent from the other, for example, one can be very narcissistic in family relationships and a very different person in their workplace. Many people with narcissistic traits are extremely productive and useful to their family and organisations, and the problem arises only when the expression of their traits in any area of their life cause damage to their relationships and the general interest of other people. Moreover, people usually go through temporary phases of "obnoxious" stages in their process of emotional development and may seem like a narcissist while the phase only being a part of the process of their journey from emotional slavery to emotional liberation.
| Aspect | Healthy Confidence | Harmful Narcissism |
|---|---|---|
| Self-view | Realistic, grounded in reality | Inflated or fragile; dependent on external praise |
| View of others | Values others’ worth and perspectives | Sees others as tools, mirrors, or threats |
| Empathy | Can attune to others’ emotions | Struggles with genuine emotional resonance |
| Feedback | Accepts criticism without collapse or attack | Reacts defensively or with emotional punishment |
| Relationships | Mutual give-and-take | One-sided, control or admiration-focused |
The Two Faces of Narcissism
A. Overt (Grandiose) Narcissism
- The classic image: confident, loud, and dominant.
- Traits: arrogance, entitlement, attention-seeking, lack of humility.
- Tactics: bragging, public dominance, overt criticism when threatened.
B. Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissism
- Often overlooked because it wears the mask of humility or suffering.
- Traits: hypersensitivity to criticism, passive-aggression, chronic victimhood.
- Tactics:
- Sharing exaggerated or selective “sob stories” to control the narrative
- Framing themselves as perpetually wronged so others rush to defend them
- Gaining loyalty and sympathy by vilifying others behind closed doors
- Using emotional fragility as a shield against accountability
Covert narcissists can be harder to spot because their control comes through guilt and sympathy rather than aggression. They still center themselves in every story — but instead of “Look how great I am,” it’s “Look how badly I’ve been treated.”
Both overt and covert forms can overlap. A person may switch between them depending on the situation or audience.
The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle
Regardless of style, many narcissists operate in a predictable loop:
- Idealization (Love-Bombing)
- Overt: Intense charm, grand gestures, flattery.
- Covert: Over-sharing wounds, deep emotional confessions to create instant closeness.
- Devaluation
- Overt: Criticism, withdrawal of affection, visible contempt.
- Covert: Subtle digs disguised as concern, passive-aggressive sulking.
- Discard/Withdrawal
- Both types may detach emotionally or physically once you no longer feed their self-image.
- Hoovering
- Overt: Dramatic apologies, sudden romance, “I’ve changed” speeches.
- Covert: Replaying their victimhood to make you feel guilty for pulling away.
Inside Their Mind vs. Your Experience
| Stage | Narcissist’s Internal Mindset | Your Emotional Experience |
|---|---|---|
| Idealization | “This person makes me feel special/validated.” | Feeling chosen, deeply connected |
| Devaluation | “They’re not giving me the same high — maybe they’re flawed.” | Confusion, self-doubt |
| Discard | “They’re no longer useful for my self-esteem.” | Hurt, shock, longing for closure |
| Hoovering | “I can’t lose my supply; I’ll re-hook them.” | Hope mixed with fear and longing |
The Brain Chemistry That Keeps You Hooked
Breaking free isn’t just about willpower — it’s about understanding your body’s chemical conditioning.
- Dopamine (reward): Spikes during idealization and hoovering, creating euphoria.
- Cortisol (stress): Rises during devaluation and discard, making you hyper-focused on fixing things.
- Oxytocin (bonding): Released during intimacy or vulnerability, deepening attachment.
This intermittent reinforcement — alternating reward and stress — is the same principle that keeps gamblers glued to slot machines. In relationships, it’s far more personal and addictive.
The Exit Strategy: Breaking the Chemical Loop
- Acknowledge the pattern — See the attachment as trauma bonding, not just love.
- Go No/Low Contact — Reduce dopamine triggers from unpredictable contact.
- Reality-Anchor — Write down the full truth of events so nostalgia can’t distort them.
- Regulate your nervous system — Breathing, grounding, movement to lower cortisol.
- Rebuild oxytocin safely — Pets, trusted friends, community connection.
- Plan for cravings — Expect them, delay response, and redirect.
- Reframe the fantasy — Remember the “good phase” was conditional, not constant.
Why Journaling is the Secret Weapon
In narcissistic recovery, journaling is more than self-expression — it’s mental detox:
- Locks in reality before memory is warped by longing.
- Processes withdrawal without running back for relief.
- Tracks growth so you can see progress over weeks and months.
A good recovery journal doesn’t just record feelings — it guides you with prompts that help you:
- Identify manipulative patterns (both overt and covert)
- Spot emotional triggers
- Reinforce boundaries
- Rebuild a sense of self
Your Next Step: Join My Guided Journaling Program
If you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse — whether from the overt type or the subtle, victim-playing covert type — I invite you to use my private journaling system at app.coffeewithrajendra.com.
Inside, you’ll:
- Log your journey in a safe, private space
- Receive weekly prompts tailored to breaking trauma bonds
- Learn to spot both obvious and subtle manipulation patterns
- Get personal feedback and advice from me as your counselor
- Build clarity, emotional strength, and freedom from the cycle
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
Start today, and let’s begin your detox from narcissistic control — one journal entry at a time.