Responsibility in interpersonal relations

I have been reading the book Non-Violent Communication these days. In the book, the author Marshall B. Rosenberg describes Three Stages of Emotional Development as:

1. Emotional Slavery: At this stage, one feels responsible for other people's feelings, and tries to keep others happy even if it is to detriment of his self and his needs, and feels guilty when one is unable to keep others happy.

2. Obnoxious stage: At this stage, one shifts focus to his/her own needs with high degree of disregard to rules/ethics and other people's sensitivities.

3. Emotional Liberation: At this stage, one assumes responsibility for his actions, his commitments/obligations/promises, but not for other people's feelings. Consideration of other people's sensitivities assumes importance but not at the cost of ignoring one's own emotional needs.

The concept is simple yet hugely liberating. We often come across instances wherein people blame each other for causing them pain, sadness, anxiety, etc. and consider others responsible for causing them pain. These people tend to reinforce their position at lowest level of emotional development, and try to pull others too at their level.

Responsibility is important in interpersonal relations. People are responsible for upholding and fulfilling the commitments they make. They are, however, not responsible for what we feel. If someone has promised to not violate my privacy, and if they do violate my privacy and I go into depression, they are responsible only for the privacy violation they did but not responsible for my depression. My depression is contributed to by my emotional history, insecurities cultivated since my childhood, lack of my emotional education, other influences. The privacy violation done by them was only a trigger and hence if they are to be considered responsible, it may only be to a limited extent but never wholly. If I commit suicide out of depression, they cannot be charged with murder, they might, however, be charged for breaking their commitment i.e. for violating privacy.

When we say that people are responsible for their actions and for the promises and commitments they make, but not for what others feel in response to their actions, we base this statement on the idea that making a commitment or promise is like giving a thing to someone but the value of this thing depends significantly on the valuer. This thing has a value - one is the explicitly stated value, second is the realisation value. When any of the other things in life come in conflict with this 'thing', we tend to sacrifice the thing which is of lesser value to us. We may, at times, overvalue some people's commitments, and sacrifice other things which seem to be of lesser value. In doing so, we do injustice to ourselves as we prepare ourselves for huge resentment when other people are not able to measure up to the value we have marked for their commitments. It is our duty to value other people's promises in a realistic manner. While evaluating someone's promise, we should take into account their emotional nature, their history with upholding commitments, their level of conscientiousness (or discipline and organisation in their life) and maturity (whether they are underage or emotionally immature to make a commitment). If a disorganised, emotionally overwhelmed, immature, underage person promises to take a bullet for us, we should see it only as a gesture of compassion and not as a promise of reliable companionship. People tend to overshoot and overcommit in emotionally overwhelming situations. Sometimes, people also promise things that they do not have full rights and control over. One shouldn't treat words spoken in such situations as promises, and should allow the participants the space to grow and change. Relationships often involve invoking of promises made in such situations without taking into account the emotional growth and change that has happened as inevitable way of life since then; such ways of enforcing accountability tend to create friction and do not benefit anyone. We can instead enforce accountability by asking for something which is as valuable as what was promised and doing which enriches life of all the participants, in this way we allow them to grow and change while also spur enrichment in life of everyone involved.

Emotional Slaves can be a source of tremendous joy for people around them. The same is, however, true for the Emotionally Liberated ones. People from both stages - emotional slavey and emotional liberation - can be a source of happiness for people around them. The difference lies in the motivating factor for the person involved. The emotionally liberated person, though not considering himself responsible for others' feelings, may prefer to do things that make others happy - and he does so out of compassion. The emotional slave, considering himself responsible for others' feelings, may do things that make others happy - and he does so while driven by emotions of guilt, shame, and fear. Guilt, shame, and fear are hallmarks of abusive and toxic relationships, we must be beware of such red flags. If someone asks us to do something to make them happy, they shouldn't do so by putting us in guilt, or by shaming us, or by threatening us in any way (threatening to leave, or punish, or deny some benefit), but by requesting what they need by evoking our compassion. Asking others for what we need is not wrong, but we should do so compassionately, without trying to put them in guilt, shame, or fear.

I found the concept of emotional liberation hugely satisfying. After reading this, I texted a few of my friends about what I needed from them. I affirmed my boundaries while also affirming my responsibility to the commitments I have made. I received backlashes from one friend, silence from another, and clarity from another. I'm enjoying a new level of euphoria today. This is very visible to people around me. I think these are some of the higher pleasures of life - the pleasure of growing, liberating, gaining knowledge and skills of various sorts, adding deeper meaning to life. The pursuit of these higher pleasures is not expensive and doesn't involve risks usually associated with lower pleasures.

Let's move towards emotional liberation.

Note: This article is under constant development and refinement.