My transition from polyamory to monoamory

Until  2022, I identified my relationship orientation as polyamorous. I didn't have any committed partners, though there were insecure emotional entanglements.

For me polyamory meant a focus on nurturance rather than on ownership, on trust rather than on insecurities, and on commitments that are timeless. Relationships which have no starting point, no end point. Verb rather than noun. Valuing emotional connection and attument rather than labels. It meant that I won't restrain love, or make exclusive partnership commitment to anyone, that I would keep my love available for people who may need it the most and whom I have resources to nurture. Even though I was single, I identified myself as polyamorous, which is a valid choice for polyamorous people yet often misunderstood.

By the beginning of 2023, I had transitioned to monogamish/monoamorous notions and had conveyed to my parents about my readiness for monogamous marriage. I no longer identify my relationship orientation as polyamorous. The reasons were for this had consolidated over time with experiences. I had understood that single polyamory is dysfunctional in the social context I live in, for several reasons.

 Firstly, it was difficult to find people who would not misunderstand me with this identification. Neither on dating apps, nor in any extended social circle I had come across, was I able to find anyone who wouldn't see me as "afraid of secure commitment" because of my identification. I realised that my need for a partner conflicts with the high value I associate with the polyamory identification, leaving me on a moral high ground but with a need dissatisfied.

Secondly, my parents wanted me to get married soon. I too wanted to have a modern, open-minded partner. I was excited too. But the people I met judged me harshly negatively for my identification with the word polyamory. I realised that the identification doesn't convey to people around me the true nature of my values, and is rather dysfunctional as it affects my socio-political resources in a manner that was difficult to predict and navigate around. Somewhere I wanted someone to trust me and take a risk for me, like that line in Rema and Selana Gomez's calm down: "Wanna give you it all but can’t promise that I’ll stay, and that’s the risk you take (you take)", but better in the sense that I committed to always stay. But, everyone I met was too afraid even though the probability of me having another romantic partner that I conveyed to them was lesser than the probability of romantic cheating prevalent in socio-economic circles of equivalent level. Cheating seemed to enjoy greater social acceptance than open polyamory.

Thirdly, polyamory doesn't address adequately the insecurities of individuals we would often come across, which puts it at a disadvantageous position as compared to monogamy, owing to the fact that in its nascent stage, polyamory requires conscientious individuals with skills to discuss agreement, boundaries, rules - skills which I found to be very rare. Moreover, polyamory lacked the social support for guidance, conflict resolution, mediation in my social context, adding to insecurities and over-reactions among potential partners who were too insecure to accept that they are polyamorous.

I realised that even though association with polyamory fulfils my needs of affiliation with social and gender justice, empowerment for all, protection against emotional abuse in closed relationships, etc.,  it doesn't address my need for a romantic partner and is therefore dysfunctional for me in my social as well as parental context. 

I transitioned myself to monogamy and got married to Anjana on 21-Feb-2023. I retain my core values of nurturance, equality, empowerment and growth, however am committed romantically exclusively to Anjana as this commitment is needed by Anjana for feeling secure in our relationship, which is very important to me as I envision and wish to nurture a secure, healthy, high-trust relationship. Polyamory would continue to remain a subject of study and research, but without any involvement that violates my commitment with Anjana.

I look forward to growing together with Anjana, and nurture an empathic relationship that is responsive and responsible, wherein my philosophy would only add joy to her life, rather than unnecessary mental entanglements.

P.S. : 26.06.2024: I had removed this post from my blog due to my insecurities with my wife at the time of my marriage. Slowly with time, we have been able to build a secure relationship where I feel safe about discussing about my past, and my truer self. With this sense of safety, I am re-publishing this post back to the blog, and I'm glad about the way things have turned out to be for me.