Friends - Anne Marie
Anne Marie's 'Friends' music video is the expression of frustration of a woman who is irritated by repeated emotional expressions of one of her friends. Her concept of FRIEND is close to BROTHER rather than to LOVER. When her friend approaches her with "I love you", she finds it difficult to process it so much so that she herself gets close to being 'crazy'. She is particularly troubled by "that look in his eyes" - the look reeking of hope of more compassionate consideration, or sympathy, or lust, or romantic hopes - what the look is hasn't been made clear. Anne Marie has made no effort to enquire into the needs that lie behind the look in her friends' eyes, and whether any of those needs are legitimate and within her capacity to fulfil. She assumes the need behind the look to be something she is not ready to see or entertain or consider.
Anne's statement "I know you like since we were 10" hints to her belief that love may happen only between individuals who haven't known each other for long, or since childhood. Her statement also hints to her belief that love cannot happen between brother and sister and if a brother says "I love you" to his sister with "that look" in his eyes, he must definitely be crazy. Moreover, the cure to this craziness is only to repeat the spelling of the word F.R.I.E.N.D.S. over and over upto 6000 times so that the concept and notions associated with it can be firmly ingrained into his psyche.
On one hand Anne's assertion is a symbol of her empowerment that she is able to clearly mention her boundary and the consequences of violation of her boundaries - "only gonna push me away that's it", on the other hand it has the impact of emotional repression on her friend. He is probably dealing with feelings and needs what all humans need - empathy. Anne fails to help his friend and is getting irritated due to her helplessness as she lacks emotional education to deal with the situation in any less violent way. Further, by associating Friendship with non-intense feelings and "no such looks" and "brother", she is claiming ownership over what the concept of friendship entails and what the terms of friendship really are. Instead of offering to renegotiate her friendship with her friend, so as to arrive at mutually agreeable terms, she is questioning the sanity and normalcy of the feelings of the person she calls 'friend'.
What did Anne do right?
She asserted her boundary clearly and repeated the same terms. She did not give any false hope, any vagueness. She made clear that he is like brother to him. She clearly communicated her inability to understand him in any other way.
What did Anne do wrong?
Anne claimed ownership over the concept of FRIEND. Friendship is a flexible concept. In any culture that honours individuality and consent, the terms of friendship should be arrived at through mutual negotiation and consultation. Differences in opinion over a term shouldn't lead of labelling of one party as violator of friendship, or as less of a friend.
Anne questioned the sanity and normalcy of the feelings of her friend. It was her emotionally violent act to label someone going through an overwhelming phase as 'abnormal' or 'crazy'. He might already be dealing with self-doubt and self-hatred. She abnormalised her friend. Annie, as someone who has a personal history with this friend since childhood, could have shown more compassion and exhibited more emotionally accomodative way of dealing with his feelings than to repeatedly say F.R.I.E.N.D.S. around 6000 times. It is possible that Annie may have showed compassion initially and turned this irritated and obnoxious after sustained inability of her friend to understand her limitations and helplessness.
Annie's insistence on 'FRIENDS' might also be causing emotional drag on her friend as the concept of friendship often entails perseverance and long term association. In case of a childhood friend, the coercion to be together for long might even be more due to common friends, and this might be causing pain to Annie's friend as his feelings evoke in her presence and he can't help but show that look in his eyes. Instead of insisting on FRIENDS, Annie may do her friend a favour by letting him go away gently.
What did Annie's friend do wrong?
Annie's friend should exhibit respect and consideration for Annie's boundaries, while also expressing his needs from the friendship in a manner that is considerate of Annie's needs and limitations, and which Annie is able to understand. For this, they might take the help of a mediator or therapist where they can go together. Whether it is feasible, and just or not depends on the terms Annie and her friend consented to during the development of their friendship. If Annie is not the person capable of meeting his need, he should consider the option of processing his feelings in the company of some other person. He may also consider clinical help to overcome repetitive thought patterns that have lost meaning with time and serve no purpose greater than to cause pain. To continue staying friends with Annie and to share her company with suppression of deep emotions would be self-infliction of pain. He should distance himself from Annie and seek an environment where his feelings are not abnormalised; from there he should work upon himself and his insecurities and gradually come out to be his authentic self with self-belief and confidence, without shame or guilt, and with due regard to Annie's personal boundaries, and interpersonal justice.
An empowered relationship is one wherein no one is denied the right to express their needs, concerns and aspirations from the relationship, wherein there is space for kindness to less sane and irrational aspects of our being, and wherein everyone equitably gets fulfilment of needs that bring them closer to living their potential, wherein one is able to maintain a secure sense of self, and is able to interact with others at terms arrived at through mutual consultation. No one should be barred from showing any look in their eyes, or shamed into believing in abnormalcy of their feelings. Let us create more empowerment for everyone. Power is not a zero sum game, we do not become more powerful by making others less powerful. We become most powerful, and sustainably, when this power is shared and contributed to by the power of many others. In your empowerment and power is my empowerment and power.