Attunement

I recently added a new word to my vocabulary: Attunement, while listening to the audiobook Polysecure by Jessica Fern. Attunement refers to the adaptations one makes in their attitude and behaviour in response to verbal and non-verbal cues one receives from their partner. Attunement is a constant process and requires time and attention.

Often it happens that we fall out of tune with people we have been associated with for years. It seems like we no more vibe together. Psychology influencers on social media often use the word 'outgrow' for this phenomenon. The attitude underlying the word 'outgrow' is that staying in the relationship would restrict growth of one of the person while autonomy for both would be beneficial for growth. This perspective has limitations as it ignores the fact that autonomy and connection both are our basic needs in every relationship. Sometimes, we feel the need for autonomy much heightened than at other times when we crave for connection. The choice isn't between connection or autonomy, but a right balance. When we see connection and autonomy as opposites, we tend to move from relationship to relationship, running away from connection at one time (or with one person) and chasing and clinging to it at another time (or with another person), without being able to address the insecurities within which hamper the development of secure, long term connections in our life which we need to meet our attachment needs and to maintain healthy attachments with others.

I am inclined to think that relationships aren't and shouldn't be linear. They have no starting point, no peak point, no end point, no saturation point. A relationship is not something we have, but something we do. It's a verb, more than a noun. They're better driven by our identity than by objectives in sight.

It would be an structural advancement to our perseverence system, when we learn to not view moments of falling out of attunement as rupture in the connection in relationship.

I realise the need for attunement, and better communication in my relationships. I aspire to work to keep the right balance between my autonomy and connection needs with others, in a manner that meets equitably the needs of others as well as mine. 😊