Hierarchical Relationships

In a hierarchical relationship arrangement, power is diverted from within one relationship to restrict the flow of connection and commitment in another relationship, forming a sort of "gate" within which the flow is coerced to conform. When the natural flow of connection or commitment is smaller than the width of that gate, everything is fine.

Three arrows depicting flow: blank is for connection, dotted is for power, lined is for commitment.

Problems arise when the natural flows are bigger than the gate. They won't shrink on their own, much as we might wish they would, so they continue to push back on the gate. The restriction might stifle or eventually kill the new relationship, stunting its growth in the way a sunshine-loving plant growing under the shade of a big tree becomes stunted. But if the flows are too powerful, they will eventually crash through the gate, often causing great damage to the relationship that the power originally emanated from.

Monogamous, one-true soulmate conditioning goes very deep, and it's hard to root out all the ways it influences our thinking. It's hard work to consider the implications of our decisions on unknown future partners, and it's very tempting not to do that work. And it's particularly difficult to consider someone else's needs when we're scared. So it is often true that people in hierarchical relationships may behave in ways that are unnecessarily cruel to some partners - not out of malice, but merely out of thoughtlessness.

- From More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

The above-mentioned analogy provokes the thought of how hierarchical relationships affect all relationships across all aspects of our life. I come across it when my parents assertively try to restrict my company with certain friends, or when one attached friend strains my attachment with another friend, or when at a gathering of relatives I'm expected to sit near a set of people and distance myself from some other people. Underlying all these impulses to restrict connection is 'fear' (or 'jealousy') - fear of losing a person, fear of breaking group solidarity, fear of some malice.

I believe that this 'fear of the other' plays an important part in keeping groups and communities safe and together and to protect internal resources from leeching out, but in interpersonal relations, heirarchy stifles connection and creates situations of helplessness wherein you need connection but are inhibited by the gate. When parents restrict my company with a friend, it might be to prevent me from straying onto a path that they consider harmful for me. But, what's really driving me to seek the company of these friends I am restricted from?  Is it a genuine need that's driving me, or am I just indulging my vanities? Am I rational enough to make the best choices for myself or do I need externally enforced discipline for my own safety ? These are some of the questions I dwell in while thinking of hierarchical relationships.

I believe that connection is a basic human need. We need to be listened to, for our feelings to be acknowledged and given their space without suppression or violence. We need to be motivated for achieving group objectives out of our compassion for the group, rather than out of any fear. What we truly need is a sustainable experience of higher vibration emotions of joy, compassion, compersion and only the required amount of lower vibration emotions of fear, shame and guilt. Sadly, we weave our whole lives around petty fears of reputation, dominance, competition. 

With so many walls coming up to block connection and compassion, it is my personal belief that a monogamy in which one's partner assumes the highest priority and reserves the right to restrict connection in his/her other relationships is like creating more walls in an already (emotionally) secluded world. When the relationship gate restricts new connection, it does so confronting our natural, irrational motives and risks the damage to the relationship from which the power of the gate emanates. Moreover, the usage of the gate to end a relationship, seems culturally close to the practice of human sacrifice - it is often emotionally violent and causes pain. I want to inculcate those values in my family, and promote the same for others, which are most likely to create more emotional fulfilment and more blissful lives for everyone. Values that interest me are- non-violent communication, connection and compersion, a balance between freedom and security, commitment, and responsibility. 

I want relationships to be more resilient and persevere through moments of insecurity without denying anyone the fulfilment of a need the unfulfilment of which prevents them from realising their potential across all aspects of life. I do not want gates in my relationships because I believe that these gates are made up of insecurities, which if confronted would make us more internally secure, and which if let linger, would make us vulnerable to natural calamities that are incoming in the world of relationships in the near future. I want to be among the first few to adapt to the change and make exciting discoveries in these uncharted territories while unlocking wealth of emotional education and tools, and skills that I would love to share with other people who would need them to navigate through these new waters.

These are some of the thoughts that linger in my depths, and make me inclined towards polyamory.