Creep

I first came across the word creep in class 10-11. Girls of my class used this word to refer to someone who did not have any personal relationship with them but whom they wanted to communicate more clearly and directly with them, and behave in a manner that gives more consideration, respect, and space to their boundaries. 

I came across the word again in the story 'Not So Casual Sex' - written by Divya Prakash Dubey, recited by Amol Parashar - wherein the girl who matches with the protagonist on tinder asks him if he is a genuine person and not a creep. Watch on youtube [5:41]. I also saw the word in bios of many people I came across on my tinder app.

In Civil Engineering, a creeping crack in a concrete slab is a crack propagating very slowly over years.

There's song too titled 'Creep', from a band named Radiohead. Here's the cover song sung by one of my favourite singers, the lovely Haley Reinhart with the band Post Modern Jukebox.

I came across the word again in the book 'More Than Two' by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, wherein the authors describe a phenomenon of boundary negotiation termed as 'Creeping Concessions' - in which interpersonal boundaries slowly and gently change to the benefit to one person and loss of important boundary to the other. "Creeping Concessions".. "Sometimes people can end up in relationships that cross boundaries without their even noticing it. Bit by bit, inch by inch, you may find yourself negotiating away things that are important. If each individual step is small enough, you might give up a boundary without even seeing it." At times we may be aware that we're conceding things we once thought inviolable, but we do it anyway because we've already invested so much. Economists have a name for this: the sunk cost fallacy."

Boundaries change in every relationship - be it with a person or with a job/career, personalities and values change too. Creeping concessions are inevitable part of relationships in which individuals started with an immature awareness of what their needs from the relationship and from the other person/object are. Yet, if these concessions happen on both sides, it's mutual adjustment; if it happens from one side, it's likely to be predatory abuse. Changes in boundaries as part of personal development is different from the changes occurring due to creeping concessions in that while in the former participants feel optimistic about the change, in the latter they build resentment due the loss of self they had to sustain. If not vent out properly through secure conversations, resentment closes windows of connection, blocks compassion, and builds walls of ice.

When seen at the cultural level, I have observed that creepiness is sometimes seen as more socially acceptable than direct communication, especially in situations that involve unpredictability and something new. This preference for creepiness over direct communication is partially due to the assumption that individuals do not know their true, long-term needs, and hence rather than presenting one's needs as something far-fetched or distant, which one has recently discovered and not enough experienced yet, and the disclosure of which poses risk of social sanctions, one is advised by others to proceed in increments or small steps after becoming sure of every need at each step. The safety sought in such assumption is commendable and I respect this concern for safety. However, I believe that social safety in the long term is best secured by authenticity and direct communication, and the short term losses may well be managed with skilful diplomacy. Creeping directly undermines other people's right to choice because it involves hiding information which if known to them could have had changed their decision regarding the path they envision for our relationship; in other words, creeping undercuts the concept of 'consent' and results in relationships which are non-consensual, though they may still survive in a compromised form in order to save the 'sunk cost'. Being honest isn't the same as being truthful. I too prefer change and progression in increments, and I'm sensitised to the pain and chaos that radicalism brings, but creeping concessions is not what I envision as a value to be cultivated in my family and to be propagated further into my future generations. I believe that creation of a strong, well-knit family requires authenticity and respect for individual rights and interpersonal boundaries, and 'creeping concessions' is not the tool respectable to me in pursuance of my vision.

Self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, authenticity, and a respect for human dignity and individual boundaries - are the antidotes to 'creeping'. I aspire to develop within myself, and encourage in others, values that create conditions for long term trust, synergistic cooperation, connection and compassion, and to protect myself against evils of self-denial, irresponsibility, and inauthenticity.