Monogamy, Polyamory - my evolution
When I was in first year of my college, I believed myself to be committed to pure monogamy, wherein I believed that I will have only one romantic partner for whole life, whatever may come. I was very bigoted towards this. I prepared my own detailed set of rules and expectations I will have from this person, and I decided that whoever comes into my life should first agree to all these expectations before entering. I imagined conversations between me and my prospective partners day and night. I was very elaborate and very logical. Irony was that I had never been in a real romantic relationship by then. The rules I was creating were based more on fears, rather than on hopes. My awareness about who I am and what I want to be was substantially based on things I hated and people I didn't want to be like.
My affinity to pure monogamy was based on my abhorrence for sins of serial monogamy prevalent in society. I saw it in other people's romantic relationships in school, college. What irked me was that the person they are with today will be replaced by someone else one day for reasons as frivolous as
- my parents have arranged my marriage elsewhere, we need to break up
- i am in love with someone else now
- you don't fulfil my needs
I abhorred serially monogamous system for multiple reasons:
- it tends to treat people as replaceable
- it tends to treat people as need fulfilment machines
- serially monogamous system is infested with lies. people often tend to make lifelong commitments and indulge in self-manipulation. Why say love you forever, instead say love you until I find someone more suitable.
- relationships didn't last long. there was inherent insecurity and no satisfaction that comes from being in a secure long term relationship.
I see security, permanence, and reliability as essential elements of any relationship that aspires to treat people as more than spare parts. I believe that relationships should be driven by values that provide the participants opportunities to discover and express what is best in themselves, to support their personal growth, and at a more fundamental level - to enhance their survival probability in this world. Relationships should honour the dignity and humanity of the people involved in it, along with the dignity of their other relationships; there shall not be exploitation, abuse, or coercion in any form.
I don't see serial monogamy as bad or wrong. What's wrong that this system tends to create conditions that incite and facilitate unethical behaviour. A serially monogamous person can be very ethical if he or she never makes promises that he is not sure of fulfilling, such as promises of being together forever.
I have a simple understanding of Right and Wrong. Behaviour that is known to usually cause pain to the parties involved is unethical, and behaviour that usually causes pleasure in general is right, subject to condition that some basic inviolable human rights of everyone involved are respected.
A serially monogamous relationship that starts consensually, with agreement about limits of relationship, privacy, mechanism of ending the relationship, mechanism for resolution of conflicts, would indeed be very ethical. If it only helps the parties involved in living a more joyful life, it is not wrong. I believe that there should a phase out period before ending a relationship, a notice period of appropriate duration shall be served, in which dues should be cleared and honest conversations shall happen.
My abhorrence for the sins of serial monogamy pushed me towards subscription to pure monogamy - a belief system wherein one becomes romantically associated with only one person for the whole of one's life. This system required great sacrifices, surrender, compromises. I respected it hugely, and created my own detailed rules my future partner will have to be willing to agree before entering my life.
But, I realised that something is wrong about having expectations before having people. It's true that one has needs but one shouldn't have to go out to the world with his needs. One should be self-sufficient and the people who come into life should only contribute to further growth, not address the basic needs. The idea of having to seek people for our needs is disempowering to the self. It hinders spiritual growth and character development. I also realised that the expectations I had would put a huge amount of burden on any normal human being.
I also resented pure monogamous system for it's snobbery. If you have to choose only one person for you, on what parameters will you choose him or her? We tend to rank people on these parameters and compare them and choose one. These parameters may be wealth, reputation, etc. I had issues with this system. It excludes people at the bottom of the hierarchy so created. This, again, is disempowering to the self, and hinders spiritual upliftment. People who are not considered wealthy, beautiful, intelligent, are as deserving of love and respect as anyone else.
Later, I realised that one person alone would not be able to fulfilment variety of important needs and would not be able to support my wholesome growth in different spheres, she would just get crushed under these expectations. It would create mutual resentment and demand constant compromises.
But again, the problem is not the pure monogamy system, but the idea of sorting and ranking people and choosing one among them. However, it just so happens that the conditions that support this evil are provided by the pure monogamy system.
I came under the influence of the idea of polyamory. It's definition is Free Love. Why limit love to one person when you can create loving relationships with multiple people each of whom would benefit from, and support the growth of, a particular part of your personality. Polyamory completely breaks the traditional relationship contract into several pieces and one is free to choose as many of them as he wishes to.
One creates agreements only to the extent he or she wishes to. Loyalty here is not equated with exclusivity, but with the responsibility you exhibit towards the people you are involved with, and that too only to the extent you have explicitly agreed to.
Polyamory allows for accommodation of new relationships without damaging the pre-existing ones. It makes relationships organic, ones that evolve with time to suit everyone's and one's needs, instead of being frozen in a certain once decided rules.
You don't have to exaggerate commitments and get crushed under them just to have someone in your life. You can allow people to the extent you are willing for, and seek reliability from them for the agreements they have made. A major drawback here is that the system is not legally recognised and their is a lack of social support for the same. In the absence of clear agreements and a legal and social support system, polyamory is also prone to becoming exploitative for some people, especially for secondary partners in hierarchical relationships. Polyamory requires a support community and role models for guidance and problem resolution.
Some people contend that we can receive the love of multiple people in the form of friendships without being intimate with them. I believe that intimacy, both emotional and physical, too is important to create honest and authentic relationships beyond the usual friendships.
All relationship systems can be used for both welfare and abuse. Some systems facilitate certain types of wrongs. What really makes a person morally and ethically elevated is not the type of relationship system he follows among these types, but the values he pursues and derives satisfaction in, and the principles he works to imbibe in his life and promote for other people's welfare. A serially monogamous person can be as ethical as pure monogamous or polyamorous, what really matters is that human beings shall be treated with dignity, their individual rights shall not be violated, and everyone must work on their own emotional education and skills of NVC (non-violent communication) so that they may learn to ask for what they need in a manner that facilitates realisation of mutually agreed solutions.
"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." - Nelson Mandela.
The book I was reading - More Than Two, by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux - has detailed chapters on how to do ethical polyamory. I found important tools for self-development in the book, which can benefit anyone. Ideas in the book such as - taking responsibility for your own emotions, knowing where we stand and the horizon we pursue, are empowering and give support to our self-discovery and self-acceptance. The author, Franklin Veaux is popularly active on Quora and also runs a website MoreThanTwo.com. On the website, there is a popular Relationship Bill of Rights as follows:
The Relationship Bill of Rights
by Eve Rickert & Franklin Veaux
You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt:
In all intimate relationships:
- to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation. (Franklin's note: This includes violence such as destroying property, hitting the wall near you, and other acts of violence not specifically directed at your person)
- to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want
- to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
- to be told the truth
- to say no to requests
- to hold and express differing points of view
- to feel all your emotions
- to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
- to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs
- to set clear limits on the obligations you will make
- to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you
- to know that your partner will work with you to resolve problems that arise
- to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
- to grow and change
- to make mistakes
- to end a relationship
In poly relationships:
- to decide how many partners you want
- to choose your own partners
- to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take
- to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each partner
- to understand clearly any rules that will apply to your relationship before entering into it
- to discuss with your partners decisions that affect you
- to have time alone with each of your partners
- to enjoy passion and special moments with each of your partners
In a poly network:
- to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners
- to be treated with courtesy
- to seek compromise
- to have relationships with people, not with relationships
- to have plans made with your partner be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons
- to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate
I believe that when relationships are driven by mutual respect for each other's rights, only then can they be healthy and create conditions of synergistic cooperation - that support growth in all spheres of life and make the world a better place for everyone.