On Rape

We come across the news of 'rape crimes' and it often provokes a strong sense of disgust and anger towards those labelled as rapists, more so when the crime accompanies gruesome violence, even murder.

This strong emotion of disgust and fear sometimes gets directed towards anyone who resembles the rapist of your imagination in any minor form. Perhaps he is just a man from Rohtak, or just an auto driver passing by you on an empty road. The phenomenon is called emotional transference, wherein emotions related to your past memories evoke and overwhelm you when a present situation resembles the past memory in any form.

How should we define Rape and whom should we call a rapist ?

When we go through stories of rape, we observe that a rapist is a person who pursues his interests with huge disregard to other people's sensitivities and emotions. He violates the boundaries of other people and has a sense of entitlement over things and people, and even the law. He treats people as means to an end, as objects, as opposed to respecting them as they are. He is self-obsessed and exhibits and strong sense of conviction about his morals. He never surrenders in an argument, nor does he listen, rather he manufactures logics out of thin air to support the conclusion he has already arrived at. He tries to further his version of story as 'the truth', through distortion of facts. He manipulates himself and others.

The rapist inflicts irreversible damage onto people, in a manner that inflicts disabilities of various forms onto his victim. This may cause immense emotional trauma, chronic mental illness, damage to life and career progression, damage to self-worth, motivation, and willingness to live.

Am I a rapist ? This is a question we should all ask ourselves before we march out with candles chanting "Hang The Rapist". Maybe, unknowingly, we are asking to be hanged ourselves!
Here is a self test kit to know if you are a rapist. Ask these questions to yourself:
  • Do I honour other people's boundaries?
  • Do I lure people into my life by showing them a version of myself that shows my goodness but hides my vices, knowing that they will have to deal with my vices later ?
  • In a conflict (or an argument), do I try to abuse my power to make my opponent cow down and surrender completely ? Can I accept rejection or defeat gracefully ?
  • Do I give adequate attention to other people's feelings while pushing through an agenda that also involves their interests ?
  • If I inadvertently inflict a loss onto someone (financial, emotional) , do I admit my mistake and apologize sincerely? Do I try to repair or compensate for it respectfully or do I run away protecting my own interests ?
  • Does my relationships with friends and family involve equal two-way flow, or, are they exploitative in nature over long term ?

Now, my attempt to define rape: Any form of non-empathic behaviour, wherein one's actions result in irreparable damage to someone (in a manner that reduces the latter's chances of enjoying his life to his full potential) , of which one has no remorse, is an act of Rape.

This is a consequence-based definition. It evaluates the action not on the basis of the intention of the actor but on the basis of the consequences of the act.
This is a very broad definition and covers a broad spectrum of actions as compared to the traditional understanding. Broader the purview of a bad label, larger the number of people who look within, wider the process of self-purification. Why look for the devil outside when it is within ? Let the process of purification go inside out.


What makes a rapist?
To answer this question, let's look at the emotional translations of the qualities exhibited by a rapist.
  • What kind of people lure people close by hiding their vices ?
    • The ones who fear showing themselves in their original form with all virtues and vices. 
    • The ones lacking sufficient self-acceptance and fear that showing their true self will hurt their chances of life opportunities.
  • What kind of people always want to win ?
    • Those terrified of losing, because of their fragile self-image.
    • Those having nothing to fall upon when they fail, lonely people with no emotional cushion.
    • Those who are shortsighted, and incapable of effectively planning their long term win-win relationships.
  • What kind of people are self-obsessed?
    • Those who haven't received tender gaze and deep attention and intimacy from someone else. Self-obsession is a tool to compensate for lack of other people's attention to the deepest and most vulnerable aspects of our psyche.
  • What kind of people are insensitive to other people's emotions ?
    • Those who have not received sensitive love in their childhood or recent past. Those who have received beatings, abuses, and harsh behaviour.
  • What kind of people can sleep calmly after inflicting injury onto others?
    • Those who are naive. Those who do not understand that we all are interconnected. Any wrong, anywhere, makes an impact on the evolution of our society, the fruits of which will one day be consumed by our own future generations.

A rapist is not an individual in his own. He is a Social product of deprivation. In a rape crime, the person at fault is not just the rapist, but all the individuals in the history of this rapist - all those who pushed through their interest with complete disregard and apathy for this person's feelings and interests - at fault is the whole society. At fault is the parent who had beaten up this guy for small mistakes, at fault is the teacher who was always mean and didn't tolerate small mistakes. Any person, aggressive in any form with high degree of apathy for other people's feelings, in any field, at office, at school, in government or media, is with his behaviour - contributing to the culture of apathy in any form - is a partaker in the crime of the rapist. Hence the punishment thereby be distributed amongst all. 

This argument is not intended to absolve the rapist of his sins, he deserves punishment. However, the punishment should not be a rape in itself. The decision of punishment should take into account the emotional history of the rapist. If the punishment is given without looking at rapist's history, it would amount to an action inflicted onto someone without taking into consideration his emotions, and thereby a rape of the rapist.

What we should punish is thus not just the individuals who commit rape, but also the wider culture of disregard for other people's feelings. 
All the people who chant 'hang the rapist' are contributing to the apathy culture, and thus, deserve part of the punishment they demand for the rapist. Their anger is understandable, and their intention is good enough - to create a rape free society - it's just that they are too naive to understand the consequences of their actions. They are contributing to increasing rape in the society.

To reduce rape, we need to promote a culture wherein people are flexible in their attitudes towards life; wherein arguments in relationships result in a new found mutual understanding, wherein adultery, incest, are not seen as disgusting at the outset, but left to be judged later on the basis of certain specificities, Wherein there is no sharp demarcation between right and wrong, but fifty shades of grey in between.
Emotional education should be part of our curriculum since primary classes. Men and women should be acquainted with each other's bodies and feelings. Vulnerability should be allowed without shame or embarrassment. Skills of love should be taught too. Both Men and women should be taught how to make an advancement without manic dependence on the outcome. Men and women should be taught how to rightly read a sexual advancement. They should be taught how to accept or reject such an advancement in the right manner. They should be taught how to accept a rejection gracefully. They should be taught how to manage relationships.

In such a society, no one would feel the need to subvert another human to experience his existence. Rapist in you will cease to exist.

P.S. dated 09-11-2021: Some people appreciated the article. Some others used it to call someone else a rapist. Some went into self-doubt themselves. The above article was intended to provoke thought. However, it must be noted that often there are situations wherein a person goes through a lot of pain, but someone else cannot be blamed for his pain. Pain is an inevitable part of life, it should be accepted and utilised as an opportunity for growth. In the language of above article, there can be a rape victim, there can be a rape, but without anyone being a rapist. We can hold others accountable and responsible for their commitments and actions, but we cannot hold others responsible for our feelings. Many of my previous writings contain elements of emotional slavery and people-pleasing tendencies; I have recently experienced the idea of emotional liberation which says that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, and hence my previous writings need a little upliftment. However, I am not editing them and am instead adding a P.S. below them, because I want to keep a record of how I have evolved and how my writings have evolved, and I want those steps of evolution to be visible to others.
Please refer to my article on Responsibility in interpersonal relations.

18Jan2022: While listening to audiobook Polysecure, I came across the reference to Nora Samaran's blog article. Link below.  
Also Read Nora Samaran's article: